Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
