i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
