he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
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