You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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