I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Moan for me like Helen Keller
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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