so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Randomize
