No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
