i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
