i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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