Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
