so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Randomize
