my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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