Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
