I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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