I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
