You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
