Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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