dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Randomize
