I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
