Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
