I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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