...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Randomize
