I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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