Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
