census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
