I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
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