Me too!
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Randomize
