I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
