I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
not ubering you a puppy
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
