Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
