Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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