I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
