Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
