3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
please come you make the beer taste better
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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