dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
