im having a threesome with these popsicles
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
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