Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
