Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Pooping to opera.
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