what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
