Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
