Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
