I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
