I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
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