If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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