I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
