She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
3pm strippers are depressing
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
