cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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