Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
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