Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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