you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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