Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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